To Die When and How they Will


Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

(Seriously, that’s it.)

Death in all it’s awesome glory is figuring rather prominently in my life these days. I’ve reached the age at which the family framework that has been the unacknowledged sub-conscious foundation of my individuated life is steadily evaporating. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, the people who made my life amazing for two weeks a year in my youth are just evaporating, left and right. It sucks. The O.T.O. is great at teaching a person the mysteries of personal birth, life and death, but I tell you what, Crowley didn’t get around to talking much about dealing with the loss of people who matter to you in ways that don’t actually make a lot of sense.

Stupid scientific illuminism.

But facing the release of my family from the mortal coil, I find more and more comfort in our fundamental law. Nun, the fish, death. The severance of the ties that bind a person to all the webwork and strands of attachment you see mirrored in Tau, Earth, the Universe… I mean, I don’t really know all the stuff these symbols represent, any more than anyone else does.

But I think my family is making terrible choices in their exit, personally speaking. Without going into too many details, they are keeping the signposts of their eminent demise secret, in hopes of not worrying the rest of the family, and the rest of us get to suss it out to the best of our abilities. They aren’t thinking about how the rest of us will feel when we find out they’re dead. Totes selfish crud, in my less than illuminated opinion, I must confess.

But honestly, it’s none of my business. I’m all upset because all of a sudden my selfish nose is being rubbed in the fact that I haven’t told them I love them, that they mattered to me, that I appreciate them…

I haven’t said thank you, for teaching me how to play poker while eating bratwurst on a boat on the Great Lakes, one of the best memories of my life. I haven’t said thank you, and finding out you’re dying like this is bullshit, because I haven’t demonstrated to you the value of your life in mine, and the difference you made to me.

But that’s not on them. That’s on me. I feel crappy because I haven’t expressed my gratitude sufficiently. Or at all.

So yea, they get to die when and how they will. It’s cool.

I get to live in the way that I will to do, too. So I’m taking a moment to reach out to them, pretending I don’t know what is going on, but making sure they know I love them, and making sure they know my gratitude. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without them. The things they did for me and with me will continue to reverberate throughout space and time for years to come.

Love is the law. Love under Will.

Rufus Opus

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